The days are hot and humid.  The air is so heavy it is like walking out into a wall.  My energy level is really low.  My mind has been working overtime.  The thoughts just keep coming.  The memories ever changing.  I hear the laughter and the joy in those memories.  That is what will keep me going.  I know that you are at peace with God.  What else can I ask for?  Bringing you back to a world of pain?  No.  I would not want that for you.  You rest now and we will meet again.  Know that you are always loved and always remembered.  Until we meet again, my sweet girl.  Rest easy in the arms of the Lord.

As we walked away from the funeral home, my heart was breaking.  I knew she was no longer suffering but it still made no sense to me.  How could someone so young and so beautiful inside and out just be gone… in the blink of an eye.

But life is like that.  We are here one moment and gone the next moment.  So I do not want to preach but please, be ready.  Be ready to meet your Lord.  Whatever you believe, be prepared.

Ask forgiveness, apologise, be grateful, be kind, be honorable, love completely, show your appreciation, make someone smile, be kind to a stranger, and help someone out.  But be prepared.   Most of all do not forget to tell those you love what they mean to you.

And be prepared.  Make that will so that your loved ones are taken care of.  Do what you need to do to be prepared.  That moment comes when we all close our eyes here in this world and open them up in the next.  Be prepared.  Life changes in a heartbeat.  Be prepared.

It has not stopped lately.  The changes are coming so fast and so many.  Life changes so fast it is hard to keep up.   Faster than we can even imagine until it actually happens.

Then we try to wrap our heart and mind around that change, that fact…  It does not make sense but it is still a fact of life.  We cannot change it.  We may want to change it.  But we cannot.  We have to accept it.

Life goes on no matter that change.  So live as if today were your last.  Laugh as if you heard the best joke!  Dance and enjoy your life.  Tell those you love how much you love them.  Always kiss your loved ones hello and goodbye.  Always know that tomorrow is never promised.  This moment may be all we have with our loved ones.

I heard the news and it was unbelievable to me.  No, it cannot be.  She is too young, too sweet, too healthy.  But it was true.  Those blue eyes will never glitter again with mischief!  That sweet face will never crumple in laughter again.  Not on this earth.

My only comfort is that I will see that beautiful girl again when I cross into Heaven’s gates.  She will be among those I love who await me.  She was such a blessing to me.  I will remember her laugh and her blue eyes forever.  Rest easy, my sweet, beautiful girl.  I was blessed to have you in my life and to love you like a daughter.

You know, the older we get, the more goodbyes we have to say.  Recently I lost a friend who was the first real friend I had when I moved to town.  We did lots together for several years.  Then as friends do, we grew up and we drifted apart.  The years seemed to fly by.

Then God put us back together again.  She had changed and so had I but not our friendship.  We did not have to talk about the years that passed because they did not matter.

Our friendship blossomed from that point just as it had all those years ago.  We talked about the same kinds of things only from the other end of our lives.  We didn’t know it at the time but she had a nasty cancer growing inside of her.  She fought a hard and long battle.  Our friendship remained strong and totally open.

We talked of many things.  We talked about her treatments, what the doctors said.  We talked about how much we meant to each other.  We talked about her family and her dogs.  We talked about life and death.  We laughed and we cried.  We shared.  We loved as only  two long time friends can.

Now she has gone on to meet our Lord and Savior.  I am left here with the memories.  I am so grateful for the time we had to treasure each other and to say our goodbye slowly.

Rest well my sweet, crazy, zany, brilliant, strong, amazing friend.  Until we meet again.

My day has started out a bit rough.  Got up late.  Hurried to get ready for work. Forgot to make tea last night so no morning cup of my usual iced tea.

Then I heard some news that broke my heart.  A friend’s family member had lost The Battle with anxiety.   And it is a battle, a battle against the unyielding monster of anxiety. My family also has members who fight this battle.

What a sad, heart wrenching loss for my friend and her family.  I pray that people will be comforting, kind, and show compassion..  Many people do not understand mental health issues and speak without knowledge or acceptance.

Mental health is a very real problem in this country.  It is difficult to get past the stigma that has been placed on those suffering with it.  It is an illness just like diabetes, heart disease, or cancer.  It knows no barriers and shows no signs of caring who you are, who your family is, how smart you are, or where you come from.

Health care is getting better but it is sometimes still so hard to get the diagnosis and treatment without a fight.  Patients sometimes have to jump through many hoops to get care.  There are not enough healthcare providers to handle the number of patients.

If I can say one thing to you as you read this post, it is this.  Please watch what you say to anyone who battles this illness.  Your understanding and concern matter.  Your support means so much.  Remember you do not know the battle someone else is fighting.

May God bless you richly.

Sunday afternoon and I was tired.  I had worked alongside Jim all weekend doing cleaning of our garage and mowing and weedeating.  The humidity was high and the heat definitely takes its toll on me.

I had missed seeing mom this week.  The last time was on Monday evening.  So I decided to get cleaned up and go see her.  And I thought why not call my sister and brother-in-law and invite them and mom to a cook out.  So I did, with my house a mess, and things not as I always like to have them for company.  And what a great time we had.

We laughed and enjoyed each other.  It did not matter that there was grass clippings on my kitchen floor, towels to be laundered in my bathroom/laundry room.  These things did not stop us from having fun.  Our son, my mother, and my sister and brother-in-law enjoyed the meal Jim and I prepared.  It did not matter one bit that those things were not done.  It did not matter that the house was not clean.

The home was welcoming and that is what mattered.  I am learning not to be so rigid that life passes me by.  I am going to be in my life, enjoying those I love.  I am learning to live in the moment.  Tomorrow is not guaranteed.  Seeing people we love and spending time are the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves.  No special wrappings needed.

As the days of spring turn into summer, life has a way of moving on.  The grass is green, the birds are singing, and I am still caring for my mom.  Oh, not in the way I had done when she was here in my home.  I still make sure she has what she needs.  So does my sister and brother now, too.  Mom gets to come and have dinner with the family every time we get a chance to go out.

Father’s Day found eight of us eating dinner out.  An eclectic group of family who enjoy being together.  We laughed and enjoyed each other so much.  Was it the same as those family get togethers of days gone by?  No, it was even better.  Our ages raged across some fifty plus years and some very different life experiences.  We shared a meal and it was wonderful.

I caught my mom’s eye as she enjoyed her dinner.  She was happy and pleased to be out with us.  My husband sat next to her and enjoyed her company as much as I did.  We have a new and different routine and it involves family.  Our family.  Each loving and honoring traditions in a way that works for us.  Life moves on.

As the days go by, Mom and I are both adjusting to our new lives.  We can both be assured that she is being cared for.  I am slowly cleaning and organizing my home for life without mom here everyday.  Jim and I can now leave any food mom could not have out in sight.  She was so good at sneaking that we learned to hide food.  Not what I would choose to do but what we had to do.

I picked her up on Saturday afternoon and brought her to my home.  We grilled steaks, and had a lovely meal.  She just wanted to spend time with me and with Holly.  She did not want to look at all the clippings I had found.  She said the memories made her cry.

I felt bad that she was upset.  She does not want to remember the way life was because she can’t go back there.  She made the statement that life will never be the same.  I know it won’t.  I guess I was praying she was adjusting more than she is…

I was sad that she was sad.  She cried and I cried.  This journey is not an easy one.  We go two steps forward and one step back.  The loss she feels is real.  The loss I feel is real.  We just can’t expect it to be painless.  The adjustment is slow and very hard.  But we will make it.  We are strong and we have faith.  We never forget that.

I am continuing on my journey, cleaning out and organizing mom’s stuff aka her life.  Each evening I pick a box or bag or container and go through it.  It is amazing the memories it evokes.  I am so stunned by the emotional thoughts that run through my head and the way it enhanses my visits to my mom.

I visited her yesterday.  She was so happy to see me.  Her face lights up when she sees me pop around the corner.  She is playing cards now with some of the ladies.  She loves to play and is very competitive.  Not as competitive as her sister Anne was but almost.  But that is another story…

I am so glad I have these memories to share with her now.  Each time I find a new memory I put them in a basket.  When she visits, we will go through it and share it.  I also share one or two when I visit her.  I recently learned a few new stories I had never heard about her childhood.  She remembers those days as if they were yesterday.  Sometimes she talks about her mom and dad as if they were here just moments ago.

As I see her happy when she talks about those days, I realize my mom is here but so is my grandparent’s youngest daughter.  And the life they lived on that farm so long ago comes alive for me in my mother’s mind and words.  I enjoy the visit.  I can feel the warmth in those shared memories and the struggles that they went through.  What a blessing those visits are to mom and to me.  And to my grandparents too.  I am sure somewhere in Heaven they share those memories too.

This weekend was a busy one.  Jim and I got a good bit accomplished outside.  That grass just keeps on growing with the rain and the warm weather.  I honestly think I could watch it grow.  Then on to the inside of the house.

My other task has been going through my mom’s things which are at our house since she was living with us.  I have managed to go through her clothes.  I have sorted and put names in the ones going to the home.  The rest I have organized into seasons and have put in the top of the closet.  My mom is my inspiration for my love of fabric and colors.  She loves clothes and so do I.  The two of us could open a clothing store with all our clothing.  Clothes horses we both are.

Going through her things without her being with me felt a bit invasive.  My sister came and helped and that made it somewhat easier.  Each item brought a memory back of when we purchased it, or when she wore it last.  The colors bright and cheerful but sometimes the memories made me cry.

Now I am going through the stuff… and I mean stuff.  She stuffed things everywhere.  Boxes, books, purses, bags, plastic bags, containers, you name it and she has it full of snippets of paper, envelopes with writing, pictures, keys, more notes, and screws, nails, tools and so forth.  Talk about a pack rat!  I found tax papers, receipts, addresses, and important papers all mixed together.  Memories galore flooded back as I found a rock my boys painted for Gram when they were little guys.

I am sorting through it all as I go.  Who knows what treasure she has hidden that I need to find to remember that woman who was my mother, while I take care of the woman who is my mother.  Organization is such a job and such a joy.  I will take the job as long as I can share the joy with my mom!