I have had a good week and a sort of bad week.  That is to say, I have things that went really well and a few that went not so well.  The issue from last week is still hanging over my head.  I have had some input from some friends and am praying about what move God would have me make if any.

This week’s sort of bad things or things I perceived as sort of bad, seem a bit more good the further in time I move away from them.  I guess the thing is that while we are in the midst of dealing with something our concept is one way.  The further we get away from something, we see it a bit more clearly and less emotionally.

Jim’s truck had a few more issues but it is fixed now and running like a top.  Was I happy to have to cancel a girl’s evening with my mom to drive up and deliver ice and water to him to get that truck home?  You bet not.  I was hot and aggravated and miserable… until I saw my handsome husband standing in the shade leaning against his truck and smiling.  At me.  And waiting.  For me.  And I was over that negativity.  I was so glad to be able to help him because he always helps me and never complains.  Was this a good thing that I first perceived as bad?  Yes it was.  Did anything about the situation change?  No, just my thinking and my attitude.

So, my lesson relearned this week is that God is still dealing with me.  I hope and pray that he never tires of me allowing my emotions to rule me and my actions.  It takes some of us a bit longer, Lord.  Please be patient!

As the weekend came, I had some news that was a bit upsetting.  Got my head around it and decided after some conversations with my husband and son, and a friend, this is just another bump in the road that may come about.  Things come and go in our lives.  So do people.  We need to know when to  let go and let God as the saying goes.

I enjoyed my weekend, still thinking in the back of my mind about the news I had received.  Saturday evening came and Jim and I went to Greensburg which is about 30 minutes from where we live.  We have one newer car and a couple older F-150 pick ups that Jim loves and cares for.

While in Greensburg, the truck we were in broke down.  It would not start and run for any length of time.  It was not taking us home.  So we called a tow truck and he picked up the truck.  Jim was riding with him and I had been picked up by our son and his family earlier to preserve our perishables.

When the tow truck went to pull into our driveway, it broke down!  Yes, right in the end of our driveway! This is sure funny now, but not at the time.  But the more I thought about the chances that in that 60 minute round trip that tow truck made, what are the chances it would break down just as it safely pulled from the main highway into our driveway?  And I knew.  God was teaching me again.  If he can take care of that old truck and get it safely home, why would I ever think he would not have this new situation I was so concerned about taken care of?

Lesson learned, God.  At least for this time.  You know me, Lord.  You made me, Lord. You love me, Lord.  Thank you, Lord, for loving this worry wart!

Why does it always seem that one issue starts to resolve itself and another one pops up?  Life is never just an easy ride.  The daily trials are often piled on us in such a way we find it hard to deal with them.  We tend to look at them as a unit and not individual issues.  Taking one issue at a time makes them easier to work on a solution.  Talking about our problems with a trusted family member or friend can help too.

Paperwork for mom, another family member’s health issues, work, and the house and on and on and on!  It never ends.  But I know God is with me and he has helped me see what I could not.  I did not look at or handle things tin a healthy way.  I worried and fretted and worried some more until my stomach was on fire and my head hurt from the stress.

God led me to people and things that made a difference.  And what a difference!  I now see how letting those things pile up was really stressing me.  I just did not see it until my stomach and head became problems I needed to address.  We put so much pressure on ourselves to be so in control of every big and little thing.  How is that humanly possible?

Do yourself a favor and slow down and smell the roses, enjoy a good book, relax, call a friend,  but just breathe.  You deserve it and so do I!

Saw my mom over the weekend, and she was doing wonderful.  She is adjusting well.  She is not lonely and has made some new friends.  Her old friend was in hospital so she did miss her.

When I got there with Holly, mom was excited to see us.  Holly just seemed overwhelmed.  All the new smells and noises seemed to get her side tracked from mom and mom was a bit dissapointed.  When we went into mom’s room and closed the door, Holly really made mom feel better.  She was all over mom,  and excited to see her and loved on her quite a bit.

Holly did very well with all of the residents.  She was a very popular visitor.  She was so gentle with everyone.  It eased the visit with mom too.  I hadn’t been there for several days.

I am feeling so much better just knowing she (my mom) is at ease and happy.  I know there will be some rough days but at least she likes it there and has come to the realization that she is at “home.”  Until the next time her mind confuses her and she is unsure and we will do this all over again.

Almost a week has passed since my mother began her new life in the personal care home.  She has had a few days of adjustment so far.  Her memory loss is still very evident as she repeatedly asks when she is going home.  Each time she asks my heart freezes up a bit.  But I answer her honestly.  The doctors want you to stay here where you get care around the clock, 24/7.  She settles and immediately asks again.  I repeat my answer.  As soon as I can, I change the subject.  She is happy for the moment.  And so am I until the next time she asks…

My adjustment has started to come bit by bit at home as well.  I no longer have to immediately run home from work to start supper; however, I no longer see that smile and hear her voice when I do open the door.  Her greeting always made me smile and feel loved.  The lonely feeling is sometimes so overwhelming as I continue to pick out more and more of her things to take to her in her new home.  Adjustments are hard, harder than I ever realized.  I miss my mom.

The little weiner dog we got in December named Holly misses Mom too.  She searched for her for a few days.  Now all Holly wants is my continual attention which I gladly give.  She is lost too.  Her buddy is not around but she still smells her in that lonely room.  She still grabs those slippers Mom wore when she could not find her favorite ones…  Holly is adjusting too.

Thanks for joining me!  My name is Dianna and I live in Pennsylvania with my husband and our dog, Holly.  This is my story and I will continue to tell you it bit by bit and sometimes tear by tear.  And sometimes I will tell you my story laugh by laugh.  Always know that it truly is a work of my heart.

My journey right now takes me through making the decision to place my mom in a personal care home.  This is probably one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to face.  I wanted to care for her and keep her safe with me until she passed into our Father’s arms.  That, however, was not to be…  After eighteen months and numerous health issues, she can no longer be safe in our home without 24/7 care.  My husband and I are unable to do that for her.

So, with the love and support of my siblings, mom is going to a wonderful home where she will have many others who will care for her and keep her safe.  It just won’t be me anymore.  Her life will go on and so will mine, just not the way we both had imagined.

As I visited with her at the hospital Saturday (where she is while the doctors are adjusting her medications) she looked up at me with those beautiful soft brown eyes filling with tears, and said in a soft voice, “Don’t throw me away like an old shoe.”

My heart, already breaking, went to pieces.  The feeling of guilt so heavy that the burden of it weighed me down, I began to cry.  I have not stopped yet.  The tears are not always visible on my face but always in my heart.

Our story continues as family and friends bring me comfort as I learn to live my new life and so does my mom.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Phillipians 4:13